Saturday, June 12, 2010

On Adjusting.

There are a lot of things I need to adjust to now. The first is the realization that my son will be an only child, something I never thought I'd say. I always wanted a huge family - 4, 5, even 6 kids - and that future is no longer a possibility; that path is barred to me. And yes, I'm the one who said the words that took it away - but really, it had been gone for months, if not years, already.

The second is the soul-crushing loneliness of being a single parent to an infant. (And yes, at 13 months he is still an infant; if you disagree, you have no children.) And again, I can hear you say "Boo-hoo, you ended it, now you have to pay for it!" Well, yes. But that doesn't make it suck any less.

The question is, would I change my mind? No. For reasons which will not be explained here, I believe that it was the right decision. And certainly the other involved party doesn't appear to be remotely upset, so obviously I was right in my estimation that it had been over for months, and had just become an exercise in stubborness.

But again, that doesn't make it suck any less.


  1. You're quite right that it doesn't suck any less... However, he may not end up being an only child in the long run. He probably won't have any closely spaced siblings, but you never know what life will bring. You are a fabulous woman, and certainly fairly young still!

    I wish I were closer to help take some of the loneliness away, though I know you have many wonderful friends locally. It's not the same, but you certainly aren't alone.

  2. Aww, thanks Kel!

    Yeah, I'm feeling pretty DITD on the only-child front - worst-case-scenario and all that (early menopause - like, age 30 - runs in my family). Intellectually I know that all is not lost for another baby, eventually - but it seems like an awfully long way between there and here right now.

  3. are there many women in your family that have gone through early menopause?

  4. 2 that I know of. Thankfully my mother is not one of them, so that gives me hope...