On Adjusting.

There are a lot of things I need to adjust to now. The first is the realization that my son will be an only child, something I never thought I'd say. I always wanted a huge family - 4, 5, even 6 kids - and that future is no longer a possibility; that path is barred to me. And yes, I'm the one who said the words that took it away - but really, it had been gone for months, if not years, already.



The second is the soul-crushing loneliness of being a single parent to an infant. (And yes, at 13 months he is still an infant; if you disagree, you have no children.) And again, I can hear you say "Boo-hoo, you ended it, now you have to pay for it!" Well, yes. But that doesn't make it suck any less.

The question is, would I change my mind? No. For reasons which will not be explained here, I believe that it was the right decision. And certainly the other involved party doesn't appear to be remotely upset, so obviously I was right in my estimation that it had been over for months, and had just become an exercise in stubborness.

But again, that doesn't make it suck any less.

On Job Interviews, Among Other Things.

I have a job interview tomorrow. The position isn't bad (I didn't apply for any bad positions this time 'round), although it's a far cry from what I would describe as a dream job. Still, it's a professional position, it's a Monday-Friday 9-5 sort of position, and it's in the right area of the city. Honestly, it's the kind of job I could probably do with my eyes closed; it's an office manager/receptionist position with a chiropractic office. So I'll have to file, answer phones, use the computer, keep the lobby/waiting area clean, tidy, and well-stocked with reading materials... and so on and so forth. Pretty mindless work, but on the plus side, one can assume that anybody leaving a chiropractor's office feels better than they did when they got there, so I'd be a part of making people's days better. And while it's not quite my dream job, it's a chance to add "Medical Administrative Assistant" to my resume, which could feasibly open even more doors. So wish me luck out there!

On Being a Single Mum

Well, I figured I'd give it a week before writing this post. Didn't want to write from a place of anger, since doing that in a public forum doesn't really do anybody any favours... especially not when the possibility of a full-blown custody battle still looms. It doesn't look as though it will come down to that, though; we've both gotten a great deal more civilized as time has marched on from d-day. But yes, I am now a single mum. It's been a very long time coming to this point; I don't think either of us are really surprised (at least, I most certainly wasn't, and if he was, then he's even less observant than most men), but it's still going to be a long adjustment period. Not least because I have nowhere to live at present; I will be staying with various and assorted friends and family over the course of the next few months as I attempt to secure employment and rebuild my finances, but even if I were to land the perfect job tomorrow, and have childcare handed to me on a platter, it would still take literally 2-3 months before I'm in any kind of shape to strike out on my own again. But at least things are getting moving in the right direction; Once everything is said and done with, I think this will be the best move. Wish me luck!

On Balancing Acts.

For an explanation as to the incoherence of this entry, please see the time stamp.

I've been having a great deal of difficultly keeping up lately. Between Tristin's increasing clinginess (I'm not sure if it's his teeth or the possibility that he senses my impending [I hope] return to work) and his Dad's increasing work hours, I can't get everything done in the day that I'd like. An ideal day is about 3 hours of housework, including laundry, about 1 hour of exercise (walking, swimming, even playing at the park), about 3 hours of food prep/eating (because Tristin will NOT eat unless I am sitting at the table with him, also eating), 90 minutes of bedtime routine, 2 hours driving, and 2 hours actually getting errands done. Unfortunately, not everything GETS done, because I only have enough energy and drive to accomplish approximately one hour of housework, one hour of food-related activity, and a maximum of two hours - including drive time - outside of the house. I'm just so freakin' tired. And the crappiest part is I will continue to BE tired until my son can just learn to eat... still nursing 8-10 times/day, and while I always wanted to continue breastfeeding until 2 years, I didn't envision it quite like this...

On Miscellany.

Yes, I'm bad, I haven't updated in ages. So here's a smorg:

• Tristin still refuses to walk when I can see him, but has now walked for his dad AND his auntie Cath.
• Tristin is now all-out refusing to go to bed without me, and as a result I either have to let him stay up until eleven, or go to bed myself at nine. Either way, I no longer get any time to myself at all. This is not my favourite phase ever.
• I have learned two things: one, that it's probably not a good idea to put a one-year-old's entire dinner on his high-chair-tray all at once. Two: My son REALLY likes green beans, and can fit about 25 of them in his mouth at the same time.
• Instant karma is fabulous. On my way to help out a friend (who really, really needed it), I stopped at the drive-thru for a coffee - which the lady in front of me paid for.
• The hunt for a job continues. The less said on that, the better.

I'm having a pretty rough time of it, all in all; it's beginning to feel a lot like everything I try, I fail at. In a big, big way.

On Walking It Out.

So, last week Tristin and I joined a local walking group. Once a week, the crew gets together somewhere in the river valley, and walk for about 5 km. A friend of mine does all the work, researching routes and posting maps; Tristin and I just show up with the Ergo, sneakers, water, and a warm blankie for him on days like last Tuesday (and tomorrow, if the forecast is to be believed). Las week we had a fabulous time, although due to the local paper showing up and taking pictures of us walking up and down hills for 20 minutes, my stamina was not quite up to the full 5 km carrying a 27 lb toddler. Fortunately, a friend's husband was more than glad to step in, so we did in fact finish the walk. Tris had a great time, and we even got our picture in the paper!

On that note, we're all meeting up tomorrow at 7:00 at Government House. Come out for a (yes, cold and snowy!) walk and great conversation!

On Birthday Parties, and Turning One.

Today was Tristin's first birthday party! Despite a rough start to the day (I was unable to find one of the necessary ingredients for the frosting recipe I was planning on using, which resulted in a less-than-perfect substitute), we had an absolutely fabulous day! We went swimming for about an hour at the local Rec Centre, which has a wave pool (edit: amazing wave pool!) and a toddler pool (edit: fabulous toddler pool). Tristin had such a wonderful time swimming there that it has strengthened my resolve to get out swimming at least every other week this summer, more if possible! In fact, he was so tired after swimming that I'm kind of inclined to do it many, MANY times this summer as we work towards sleeping 6-7 hours at night. But I digress.

After swimming, we had a little party in the upstairs rec room, which was probably one of the best ideas I've ever had in my life. Despite the cake falling short of my hopes, and despite several last-minute cancellations, we still had a great time with 3 of Tristin's best friends (almost more like cousins really!), half-a-dozen aunties and uncles, and my parents and grandmother. Words can't describe how happy it makes me that Tristin's great-grandmother got to be there to celebrate his first birthday! All in all, it was a great time - and a learning experience: always, ALWAYS make a practice cake first!