On 48 Hours... Alone.

Tristin's at his dad's for a two-night visit.

This is not the first one. In fact, it is the second one. Last time, I went to see him after the first 24 hours... and he was so sad, he missed me so much, that I ended up taking him home with me for most of the afternoon.

I am at a loss, this evening. I had no plans, no friends to visit, no money to take myself out for a movie... I didn't much feel like being around people, and now, now I don't feel much like being alone. I know that this feeling of disconnectedness owes much to the fact that I haven't been away from Tristin much through his entire life. I know that, at this point, I really shouldn't be at such loose ends after only 12 hours without him - especially considering that I need to be getting back to work soon - but, there it is. I miss him so much. I miss being able to go to his room at this hour, and see his sleeping face, and hear him breathing, and rest my hand on his chest to feel his heartbeat. And I have, perhaps, 12 more hours before I can see him again.

I miss him so much.

On Being in a Rush!

N.B.: The following post will likely have several spelling and grammatical errors, as no actual editing or even proofreading will be taking place.

Item the first: I have a job interview. I'm very excited about this. It's an entry-level position, but it's wit an organization that has a lot of opportunity for advancement, and possibly I may even get to put some of my teaching skills to use.

Item the Second: My son can walk. And babbles non-stop, although he still doesn't seem to have any actual expressive language (which I am getting worried about). His father thinks we may need to get his hearing checked, but I'm pretty sure he's hearing just fine - he just isn't speaking.

Item the Third: After a few weeks of expected bumps and bruises, living with my parents is actually going pretty well. Which is a relief, for about a thousand reasons that aren't really appropriate to blog about.

Item the Fourth: I have now lost 24 lbs since beginning my Single Mum journey. I'm thinking that's probably about as far as it'll go without putting any actual effort in (by which I mean I'm not actively going to a gym or anything; my only exercise is chasing my son around; all weight-loss to date is solely the result of better eating choices, so please don't hate me). I'm going to have to figure out a way to actually work out.

Item the Fifth (and Final): In the five minutes that I've been writing this, my son has pulled all of the books from the bottom two shelves in the bookcase next to me. Gotta go!

On Coming Home.

So we're home and mostly settled in post-Mexico. Laundry's al done, and I'm getting back into the routine - including applying for work, but more on that as it progresses.

I'm finding it hard to get motivated again now that we're back. Nurse, breakfast, dishes, garbage, nurse, laundry, vacuum, lunch, nurse, nap... more of the same. I love being a stay-at-home mum, but increasingly it feels like I've been trapped. I think a change of significant magnitude is necessary. Something bigger than rearranging the furniture or cleaning out the closets. Work will be a big change, although I wish it wasn't necessary - but maybe it will be what I need. Otherwise, I'm not sure what it's going to take for me to feel comfortable in my skin again!

On Budgeting.

We are just now getting caught up from Christmas, which was financially more stressful than usual this year what with Wess being laid off at the beginning of December.

Budgeting is something that I struggle with almost constantly. Mathematically, it's pretty straightforward; take your income, subtract your necessary expenses, and what's left over is your laugh 'n' play, rainy day money. The problem is that while my income is greater than my expenses on paper, in reality it doesn't often seem to work out that way. There's always a bill that's a little higher this month, or an emergency situation involving pants*, or even just an extra tank or two of gas to get away and get some perspective for a couple of days. So now that we're all caught up, I'm going back to my tried-and-true budgeting method:

1) Calculate out my expenses, MONTHLY.
2) Divide all expenses by 2.
3) Pay bills/allocate moneys into appropriate accounts (e.g. rent, grocery, etc.) BIWEEKLY, based on pay periods.
4) Transfer at lease 60% of any remaining funds into long-term savings/RRSP's.

I did this before, when Wess was laid off for several months and we were living first off of my employment income, and then off of my (significantly lower) maternity leave benefits. And it worked extremely well, right up until an emergency (a real one, not a pants one**) required me to dip into my long-term savings. I'm determined to get to that point again - the point where I feel confident that we could get by for a month or two without having the heat, power, or phones cut off imminently (not that any of the above actually happened, but that's what it's felt like the last few months).

So, a 2-months-late New Year's Resolution:

To get my Budget Mojo back!




*The pants emergency: I was down to literally my last pair of pants that fit and had no holes in them (I'm sure you see where this is going)... when they burst a seam. Thankfully, the seam burst before I got to church.

**Wess's truck, our only reliable vehicle at the time, blew a tire beyond repair. Which, of course, meant that he needed not one but TWO new tires.

On Alone Time.

One of the hardest things I have to do as a young mum is make myself leave Tristin at home once in a while. I hate doing it, but it's necessary for me to stay sane. I love my son; I love spending time with him, playing with him, watching him discover things. I love the expressions on his face, the sounds that he's learning he can make, and all the little mannerisms he's developing. There is no question that I love him more than anything in the world, and that's why it's important for me to take some alone time once or twice a week.

When I'm at home, I'm a wife, mother, doctor, maid, cook, dishwasher, laundress, seamstress, carpenter, and any one of a thousand more roles that need filling around the house. I never have more than a minute or two to myself - and then something else needs doing. (Even now, I could be washing the floors, trying to fix the broken mop, putting the laundry away, folding diapers, cleaning the dishes from breakfast...you get the idea.) Once in a while, it's important for me to get out, without Tristin, and remind myself that I am also myself. That, in addition to all the things I am for other people, I am also me.

So how do I do that? Well, I go out for coffee with "the girls", visit friends, read books, watch movies, go for walks. Eventually, I'd really like to start going to the gym a few times a week. Or maybe take a class - I can feel my brain beginning to atrophy from lack of use. (You may or may not believe me, but I am a University graduate twice-over.) I'd like to start writing again - not a log, like this one, but a collection of short narratives. I'd like to rediscover my love of, and gift for, the written word.

I think one of the most important things new mums can do is to set themselves goals that relate more to who they were B.B. (Before Baby) than their new lives as mothers. It's easy to lose ourselves in the needs of our new families, but in the long run, what our families need is us, whole and happy. So sign up for a class, get back into running, or start a book club. Whatever you do, make sure that it's just for you!